1 00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:28,240 I wasn't here yesterday to learn the dance routine. 2 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,880 Do you think you could show it to me, Mrs. 3 00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:35,180 Vanderbean? 4 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,080 Okay, this is the last time. 5 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,880 You'd better learn this, otherwise you'll fail phys ed. 6 00:05:35,039 --> 00:05:36,240 muscle, Mrs. 7 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,400 Vanderbean, from the routine. 8 00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:47,220 Do you think you could check it for me to see if I need to go to the nurse? 9 00:05:49,340 --> 00:05:51,100 Does this hurt? 10 00:06:14,570 --> 00:06:16,190 I think we're getting to the tender part. 11 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:08,420 had a dream that physical was when my cousin Cephalia came to visit for a 12 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:15,280 I guess I better go for a walk and walk off that nightmare. 13 00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:22,200 I ordered for you already. 14 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:23,820 Oh, BLT. 15 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:25,260 My favorite. 16 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,720 Well, I'm glad you could make it out tonight. 17 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:32,820 I mean, you always have your nose buried in those books. I never get a chance to 18 00:08:32,820 --> 00:08:33,960 talk to you. Yeah. 19 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,280 Hey, it sure is nice to have someone want to hang out with me. 20 00:08:38,740 --> 00:08:40,799 I don't really have any friends at school. 21 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:44,640 And besides, no one invited me to any costume parties tonight. 22 00:08:45,060 --> 00:08:46,100 Yeah, me neither. 23 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:53,660 Hey, my granddad told me my family comes from a long line 24 00:08:53,660 --> 00:08:55,480 of vampire slayers. 25 00:08:58,250 --> 00:09:00,090 Haven't you ever heard of the Van Helsing? 26 00:09:01,470 --> 00:09:04,650 You mean Eddie Van Helsing is your father? 27 00:09:05,230 --> 00:09:07,070 I love him! The guitar player? 28 00:09:08,950 --> 00:09:10,770 No! No! 29 00:09:11,750 --> 00:09:12,750 Oh. 30 00:09:15,190 --> 00:09:19,430 Hey, um... You like boys? 31 00:09:20,390 --> 00:09:22,850 Of course I do, dummy, don't you? 32 00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:25,730 Yeah, I guess I like guys. 33 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,680 But I don't know, they make me feel kind of funny. 34 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:30,820 Yeah, funny in the pants. 35 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,620 Okay, what about Professor Dalton in history? 36 00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:06,280 Do you think he's hot? 37 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,540 I don't know, I guess. 38 00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:13,640 Hey, haven't you ever seen those two girls that practically hang all over him 39 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:18,140 after class? From the Pi -Ada -Pi sorority? Oh, yes. 40 00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:19,720 Huey and Dewey. 41 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:24,220 Yeah, those are the only two girls I ever saw hold hands before. 42 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,480 That's because they're carpet munchers, Will. 43 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:29,880 Huh? 44 00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:32,630 Carpet munchers. 45 00:10:34,710 --> 00:10:36,930 Purveyors of hoontang pie. 46 00:10:39,390 --> 00:10:40,450 Labia leakers. 47 00:10:46,230 --> 00:10:47,310 Lesbians. Oh. 48 00:10:48,510 --> 00:10:49,550 Okay, listen, Will. 49 00:10:50,210 --> 00:10:53,630 If you like guys, then you need to learn how to talk to them. 50 00:10:53,870 --> 00:10:56,980 You gotta get your nose up out of these books long enough to... carry a 51 00:10:56,980 --> 00:11:00,500 conversation. And who knows, you just might get lucky. 52 00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:03,700 No, no way. I'd be way too scared. 53 00:11:03,940 --> 00:11:04,940 Forget it. 54 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:11,260 Can I get you to anything else? 55 00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:13,360 Yeah, just the check, handsome. 56 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,140 Well, he's kind of cute, don't you think? 57 00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:26,100 I can't talk to him. I'd be way too... 58 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:27,400 I've got it. 59 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:31,300 I'm going to go over there and talk to him, and then maybe... No! 60 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,640 Don't! Why, what's the worst that could happen? 61 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,180 What if he gets all excited and whips out his penis? 62 00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:43,760 Okay, well, I don't think he's going to whip out his penis right here. 63 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:46,580 I mean, maybe something. 64 00:11:59,490 --> 00:12:01,490 Hey, hey, hey. You gonna give me a tip this time? 65 00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:03,330 What do you mean? 66 00:12:03,530 --> 00:12:06,650 I tipped you plenty the other time. All right, look, lady, you've been coming 67 00:12:06,650 --> 00:12:10,010 here for over a month, and the most you ever left me was, uh, ten cents. 68 00:12:10,870 --> 00:12:12,150 So what's wrong with that? 69 00:12:12,390 --> 00:12:14,650 You know what? It's the 21st century, lady, okay? 70 00:12:14,930 --> 00:12:17,230 You can't even make a phone call with a dime anymore. 71 00:12:17,730 --> 00:12:19,750 All right, look, you don't have to get all pissy about it, okay? 72 00:12:19,970 --> 00:12:22,110 College girls aren't loaded with money, you know. 73 00:12:25,350 --> 00:12:27,550 Actually, you want to make a good tip? 74 00:12:31,180 --> 00:12:32,620 See that girl sitting over there? 75 00:12:33,380 --> 00:12:35,100 Oh, you mean that skankwad sitting over there? 76 00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:37,560 She is not a skankwad. 77 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:42,860 And actually, she's very hot. She just dresses that way when she goes out so 78 00:12:42,860 --> 00:12:44,260 that guys leave her alone. 79 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:45,560 Really? 80 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,060 Do you want a good tip or not? 81 00:12:49,460 --> 00:12:52,040 Okay. But it's going to cost you. 82 00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:57,840 Cool. Look, all you have to do is just walk over there and talk to her very 83 00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:58,840 nicely. 84 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:03,300 Trust me, this girl practically worships the ground that you walk on. 85 00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:09,980 She'll do just about anything for you. And all I gotta do is go over there and 86 00:13:09,980 --> 00:13:11,440 be nice to her. 87 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:12,880 That's it? 88 00:13:13,020 --> 00:13:16,880 I'm just gonna walk over there, and then you come around in about two minutes, 89 00:13:17,020 --> 00:13:18,020 okay? Whatever. 90 00:13:21,220 --> 00:13:26,140 Okay, it's all set. I've talked to him, and he really likes you. I wish you 91 00:13:26,140 --> 00:13:27,140 didn't do that! 92 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,040 What if I make a fool out of myself? 93 00:13:30,620 --> 00:13:32,120 What am I supposed to say? 94 00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:36,140 Do I look okay? I mean, do I have anything in my teeth? 95 00:13:36,980 --> 00:13:38,160 Relax. Be yourself. 96 00:13:38,580 --> 00:13:39,580 Here it comes. 97 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:43,040 Look, I hope he doesn't get excited. I don't want him whipping his penis out 98 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,040 poking me in the eye. 99 00:13:49,820 --> 00:13:50,820 Hey there. 100 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:54,739 You're all right. 101 00:13:54,740 --> 00:13:56,260 Yes, he's fine. Really, really. 102 00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:58,780 My name is Mark. 103 00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:00,959 Oh, no! 104 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,040 Jesus Christ! I'm so sorry! 105 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:04,300 Oh, shit! 106 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:05,760 Oh! 107 00:14:06,340 --> 00:14:08,160 Oh, no, I think he's getting excited. 108 00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:12,300 You're not going to whip your penis out, are you? Whip out my what? 109 00:15:09,740 --> 00:15:14,200 Carpet munchers, purveyors of tang, 110 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:20,580 labia, lesbians, lesbians, lesbians, 111 00:15:20,580 --> 00:15:22,720 lesbians. 112 00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:30,100 Prevails of food, health, health, radio. 113 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,760 Carpet muncher. 114 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:02,480 It's you? 115 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:11,340 Should I? 116 00:20:15,460 --> 00:20:16,860 Oh. 117 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:43,260 For Christ's sake, walk toward the big tree to your left. 118 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:45,760 Phil. 119 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:50,560 Hey, kid. 120 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:52,040 Phil. Whoa! 121 00:20:52,740 --> 00:20:54,160 Well, it's about time. 122 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,760 Jeez, you have to talk to your blue in the face around here to get anyone to 123 00:20:57,760 --> 00:20:58,399 talk to you. 124 00:20:58,400 --> 00:20:59,580 But you're not Phil. 125 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:01,260 Who the hell are you? 126 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,100 I am your great, great, great uncle, Abraham Van... 127 00:21:17,870 --> 00:21:19,050 Never felt better in my life, actually. 128 00:21:19,890 --> 00:21:22,650 Well, then, why are you all blue and dead looking? 129 00:21:24,770 --> 00:21:28,170 Actually, uh... You were right the first time. I am dead. 130 00:21:28,390 --> 00:21:30,050 But merely a technicality. 131 00:21:31,230 --> 00:21:32,230 Okay. 132 00:21:32,790 --> 00:21:34,830 So, what do you want? 133 00:21:36,370 --> 00:21:37,470 What do I want? 134 00:21:37,930 --> 00:21:43,310 A nice tall drink of ale and a wench with really big... Sorry. 135 00:21:44,730 --> 00:21:47,010 Look, actually, I wanted to, uh... 136 00:21:47,310 --> 00:21:48,310 Tell you something. 137 00:21:48,550 --> 00:21:53,530 Yes, that's it. Tell you something. But first, have you read the sacred book? 138 00:21:54,310 --> 00:21:55,670 You mean the Bible? 139 00:21:56,730 --> 00:22:00,210 No. It got way too boring. Christ, no. 140 00:22:00,450 --> 00:22:05,970 This is a work of non -fiction. I'm talking about your sacred book of your 141 00:22:05,970 --> 00:22:08,470 lineage. Bram Stoker's Dracula. 142 00:22:09,450 --> 00:22:14,390 Oh, yeah. I read that book. Oh, and I saw all the movies, too. I particularly 143 00:22:14,390 --> 00:22:16,750 liked the one with Gary Oldman. Nice performance. 144 00:22:17,180 --> 00:22:20,380 Oh, and did you see that scene with Keanu Reeves? He was so hot in this one. 145 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:21,440 Shut up! 146 00:22:22,020 --> 00:22:25,520 Listen, fuck the movies. The movies got it wrong. 147 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:27,800 The book, that was correct. 148 00:22:28,220 --> 00:22:31,860 You see, I killed Dracula back in 1897. 149 00:22:32,860 --> 00:22:34,960 One of his brides escaped bearing child. 150 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:40,160 I followed her to Romania and killed her, but alas, it was too late. 151 00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:45,200 Child was left on a doorstep, raised by an old couple. 152 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:51,460 Once she was old enough to know her true nature, she drained their bodies of 153 00:22:51,460 --> 00:22:53,920 blood and set out to destroy me. 154 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,160 You mean she killed you? 155 00:22:57,620 --> 00:23:00,780 But I was told that you died of old age. 156 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:05,620 Oh. Oh, is that what your parents told you? Oh, well, la -dee -freaking -da. 157 00:23:06,020 --> 00:23:09,280 I suppose they're keeping some of the family history a secret, are they? 158 00:23:09,700 --> 00:23:12,680 Other than that, they were drunk. You know, your great -great -grandfather was 159 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:13,680 quite the lush. 160 00:23:18,030 --> 00:23:19,030 happened? 161 00:23:20,350 --> 00:23:21,450 Funny you should ask. 162 00:23:22,890 --> 00:23:27,530 Dracula's daughter bit me in the... 163 00:23:27,530 --> 00:23:29,930 What? 164 00:23:30,670 --> 00:23:32,470 In the ass, all right? 165 00:23:33,410 --> 00:23:38,930 Right in the gluteus maximus. Right in the naughty nether regions. Right in the 166 00:23:38,930 --> 00:23:39,970 dark and stinky place. 167 00:23:40,610 --> 00:23:42,350 They'll keep me to sleep in the nude. 168 00:23:43,710 --> 00:23:46,590 So, why didn't you become a vampire? 169 00:23:48,270 --> 00:23:52,270 Because, my dear, when a vampire bites you in the ass, you don't turn. 170 00:23:52,990 --> 00:23:55,250 You die of embarrassment. 171 00:23:56,570 --> 00:23:57,830 This is why I'm here. 172 00:23:58,430 --> 00:24:03,750 How are you here? I mean, you're dead and stuff. Because I'm a ghost, you 173 00:24:03,750 --> 00:24:04,750 fucklehead. 174 00:24:05,810 --> 00:24:06,810 Sorry, I stopped. 175 00:24:07,150 --> 00:24:11,370 Now, would you please just let me hurry up and explain how you can fulfill your 176 00:24:11,370 --> 00:24:12,370 destiny? 177 00:24:21,450 --> 00:24:22,450 Your destiny. 178 00:24:26,670 --> 00:24:29,690 To kill Dracula's daughter. 179 00:24:30,350 --> 00:24:31,530 Get out of town! 180 00:24:33,950 --> 00:24:35,310 I'm trying, believe me. 181 00:24:37,450 --> 00:24:42,110 Really? Yes, yes, and she's very close by, and you must destroy her. You are 182 00:24:42,110 --> 00:24:44,750 last of the vampire slayers, my dear. 183 00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:49,560 And it is your mission to continue the legacy of the Van Helsings by continuing 184 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:52,080 to destroy all of these vile creatures. 185 00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:55,660 What's wrong? 186 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:57,820 But I can't do that. 187 00:24:58,260 --> 00:24:59,840 I'm a member of PETA. 188 00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:12,220 Regardless, you must destroy her to keep her from spreading her evil through all 189 00:25:12,220 --> 00:25:13,220 of mankind. 190 00:25:16,270 --> 00:25:20,910 look like, I can do it. I'm dead for fuck's sake. In my condition, I can't 191 00:25:20,910 --> 00:25:22,930 open a jar of hemorrhoid cream. Okay, fine. 192 00:25:23,310 --> 00:25:24,310 Take it easy. 193 00:25:24,330 --> 00:25:26,210 Geez. Now, pay attention. 194 00:25:26,650 --> 00:25:32,750 Go down this row of tombstones, hang a left, and the crypt is at the back. 195 00:25:33,210 --> 00:25:34,590 You mean she lives here? 196 00:25:35,130 --> 00:25:36,470 Yes. Lucky for you. 197 00:25:36,750 --> 00:25:42,430 Lucky for all of us. But it's very important that you destroy her. It is 198 00:25:42,430 --> 00:25:43,430 destiny. 199 00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:54,620 I'm going to find her and avenge the family name. 200 00:25:55,660 --> 00:25:58,380 Good, good. That's my girl. Oh, and listen. 201 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:02,160 When you do kill her, make sure it really hurts like a bitch. 202 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:06,020 Get that little ass clown for taking a chunk out of my hindquarters. 203 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:07,320 Okay. 204 00:26:08,620 --> 00:26:10,120 Should have known that wouldn't work. 205 00:26:11,060 --> 00:26:14,580 Oh, and after I clean up the poker game, perhaps I can take you out for some 206 00:26:14,580 --> 00:26:15,960 pizza. Really? 207 00:26:16,340 --> 00:26:17,340 Shrimp scampi. 208 00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:19,120 That's so great. 209 00:26:19,740 --> 00:26:20,740 Ovaltine. 210 00:26:24,270 --> 00:26:25,270 Ta -ta for now. 211 00:26:31,170 --> 00:26:33,850 Look me a lady tonight. 212 00:26:36,570 --> 00:26:39,050 I'm playing poker tonight. 213 00:26:39,950 --> 00:26:41,490 Just the liking tropes. 214 00:26:44,910 --> 00:26:49,430 Ah, now with that pesky kid out of the way, maybe I can enjoy a small show 215 00:26:49,430 --> 00:26:50,710 before the game tonight. 216 00:27:40,780 --> 00:27:41,780 Amen. 217 00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:21,720 Ha ha ha! 218 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:39,580 Stupid Van Helsing's always getting distracted by things. 219 00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:25,100 Who dare into my safe place? 220 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:35,220 We'll help, we'll help. 221 00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:39,120 How dare you deserve this? 222 00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:42,460 You heartless kiddo. 223 00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:46,320 Who are you? 224 00:31:00,389 --> 00:31:01,670 Thanks. Okay. 225 00:31:02,110 --> 00:31:04,410 Prepare to die, you bloodsucker. 226 00:31:09,290 --> 00:31:11,510 You broke my pencil. 227 00:31:12,050 --> 00:31:14,530 That was the only number two pencil I had. 228 00:31:15,110 --> 00:31:17,530 Who are you, puny morsel? 229 00:31:18,430 --> 00:31:19,770 Van Helsing. 230 00:31:20,250 --> 00:31:21,710 Wilhelmina Van Helsing. 231 00:31:23,150 --> 00:31:26,550 You're a Van Helsing? How the mighty have fallen. 232 00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:31,080 And you're Dracula's daughter, aren't you? 233 00:31:32,520 --> 00:31:35,160 Yes. I am Countess Dracula. 234 00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:36,960 At your service. 235 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:39,560 Good. I just wanted to make sure I had the right tune. 236 00:31:40,260 --> 00:31:44,880 Oh. Oh, yeah. It is my destiny to destroy you! 237 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:47,460 You blood -sucking fiend! 238 00:31:47,780 --> 00:31:48,780 You! 239 00:31:49,140 --> 00:31:50,139 Oh, really? 240 00:31:50,140 --> 00:31:52,660 And why, may I ask, must you destroy me? 241 00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:57,080 Because you bit my great -great -great -uncle in the ass. 242 00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:03,760 Yes. 243 00:32:04,260 --> 00:32:06,000 Abraham Van Helsing. 244 00:32:06,660 --> 00:32:10,520 I seem to remember his nether region was rather pimply. 245 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:12,400 Dirty man. 246 00:32:12,420 --> 00:32:17,160 If one would just bathe properly, one wouldn't have that problem. 247 00:32:22,820 --> 00:32:27,740 Do you hear what I'm saying, darling? I mean, you really could use a good hose 248 00:32:27,740 --> 00:32:28,740 and down. 249 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:30,400 Forget that! 250 00:32:30,590 --> 00:32:32,730 I must avenge my family and destroy you. 251 00:32:33,850 --> 00:32:36,630 One moment before you destroy me. 252 00:32:44,330 --> 00:32:49,590 Excuse me, I, uh... Excuse me. 253 00:32:53,750 --> 00:32:54,810 Stop that. 254 00:32:55,010 --> 00:32:55,969 What then? 255 00:32:55,970 --> 00:32:57,150 Just look. 256 00:32:57,530 --> 00:32:58,890 Look at my ring. 257 00:32:59,270 --> 00:33:01,550 Yeah. Nice, is that right? 258 00:33:01,810 --> 00:33:04,090 Walmart has something like it for $9 .99, I saw. 259 00:33:04,390 --> 00:33:08,410 There is no other ring on this earth like this. 260 00:33:09,230 --> 00:33:10,230 Look deeply. 261 00:33:11,570 --> 00:33:13,930 Look into the fire within the chamber. 262 00:33:15,930 --> 00:33:17,510 You are getting sleepy. 263 00:33:18,930 --> 00:33:19,970 Very sleepy. 264 00:33:21,630 --> 00:33:22,810 Not that sleepy. 265 00:33:26,310 --> 00:33:27,310 Listen to me. 266 00:33:28,010 --> 00:33:33,370 I must have the blood of virgins in my veins before this night is out, or I 267 00:33:33,370 --> 00:33:38,170 lose my youthful appearance and turn into an old hag. 268 00:33:39,830 --> 00:33:42,730 The only virgins around these days are lesbians. 269 00:33:43,890 --> 00:33:44,890 Lesbians? 270 00:33:45,370 --> 00:33:47,410 What are these lesbians? 271 00:33:48,830 --> 00:33:55,070 Uh, you know, carpet munchers, hair pie aficionados. 272 00:33:57,220 --> 00:33:58,220 Tight. 273 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:00,980 Look, they don't have sex with men. 274 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:05,800 So unless they lost it to a vibrator, technically they're virgins. 275 00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:09,840 Lesbians. 276 00:34:11,159 --> 00:34:13,840 I think they might just do the trick. 277 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:20,639 Go. Go then and get me these lesbians. Okay. But wait, how do I get them to 278 00:34:20,639 --> 00:34:21,639 back here? 279 00:34:23,300 --> 00:34:24,940 The stone in this pendant. 280 00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:27,179 It's similar to the one in my ring. 281 00:34:28,500 --> 00:34:30,000 You will memorize them. 282 00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:33,020 Do you mean mesmerize? 283 00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:34,320 Oh, yes. 284 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:36,280 Mesmerize them. 285 00:34:36,679 --> 00:34:39,219 They will be unable to resist your imitation. 286 00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:43,659 Just tell them we're having a big party. 287 00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:46,940 Okay. So I bring you virgins. 288 00:34:47,639 --> 00:34:48,679 What's in it for me? 289 00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:51,560 Immortality. 290 00:34:52,659 --> 00:34:53,659 Immortality? 291 00:34:54,020 --> 00:34:54,918 My life. 292 00:34:54,920 --> 00:34:56,639 Duck, I don't want to be around here forever. 293 00:34:57,300 --> 00:34:58,300 Got anything better? 294 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:01,940 Whatever. I'll do what I can do. 295 00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:07,080 Go. Go and get me these virgins, lesbians. 296 00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:08,940 Okay. Deal. 297 00:35:16,820 --> 00:35:17,820 Okay. 298 00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:26,940 Let's go find us some lesbians. 299 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:33,460 Hey, this is the place. 300 00:35:34,380 --> 00:35:36,300 Huey and Dewey's dorm. 301 00:35:42,580 --> 00:35:47,420 This game is called Good Cop and Bad Cop. 302 00:35:48,180 --> 00:35:53,440 Unfortunately, Good Cop is out for the evening and you've been very bad. 303 00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:58,240 Tell me where you put my red dress that you borrowed yesterday. 304 00:35:58,580 --> 00:36:01,060 I, I, I swear I didn't take it. 305 00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:02,380 Oh, really? 306 00:36:02,860 --> 00:36:04,440 Well, maybe this will help you remember. 307 00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:14,120 Where 308 00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:21,400 is 309 00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:24,540 it? I swear, I swear I didn't take it. 310 00:36:26,190 --> 00:36:29,310 I think you might need a little more convincing to remember. 311 00:36:30,890 --> 00:36:33,810 Yes. I mean, no. No, please don't. 312 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:06,320 Oh. 313 00:38:10,350 --> 00:38:13,510 any party you'd be invited to, be like, woo, out of control. 314 00:38:58,510 --> 00:39:03,170 You will attend a party tonight at the crypt in the graveyard. 315 00:39:04,450 --> 00:39:07,610 Oh, and you will bring your friend, too. 316 00:39:09,270 --> 00:39:10,730 Attend a party. 317 00:39:11,670 --> 00:39:13,550 Bring a roommate. 318 00:39:13,790 --> 00:39:15,630 What time are we supposed to be there? 319 00:39:16,290 --> 00:39:19,410 Midnight. And don't be late. 320 00:39:20,630 --> 00:39:25,320 Oh, and I don't... think you will need to bring any clothes because you 321 00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:27,900 certainly won't be keeping them on for very long. 322 00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:35,960 How am I supposed to get there? Just go to the graveyard and look for the 323 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:38,020 sign next to the crypt. 324 00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:39,580 You can't miss it. 325 00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:41,760 Graveyard. 326 00:39:53,390 --> 00:39:55,030 Boy, I could get used to this. 327 00:39:56,290 --> 00:40:00,430 Okay, well, I can't stand here all day. I've got way more lesbians to find. 328 00:40:05,910 --> 00:40:12,810 You know, dear, we should really do 329 00:40:12,810 --> 00:40:14,530 something tonight other than watching TV. 330 00:40:15,290 --> 00:40:16,490 Okay, let's do something. 331 00:40:16,770 --> 00:40:17,770 Yeah. 332 00:40:17,950 --> 00:40:18,950 What should we do? 333 00:40:20,190 --> 00:40:21,190 Something. 334 00:40:38,250 --> 00:40:39,250 We should have sex. 335 00:40:41,530 --> 00:40:44,210 Sex? Let's do it. Bye, Jupiter. 336 00:40:44,610 --> 00:40:46,270 Dear, dear, please don't swear, okay? 337 00:40:46,610 --> 00:40:48,250 I'm sorry. I just got so excited. 338 00:40:48,730 --> 00:40:54,470 By the way, I picked up a little something I can wear during our, uh... 339 00:40:55,090 --> 00:40:57,450 okay. 340 00:40:58,870 --> 00:41:02,470 I'll go downstairs, and I'll put on my outfit, and you can go upstairs and put 341 00:41:02,470 --> 00:41:03,990 on yours, and then we'll meet back here. 342 00:41:04,350 --> 00:41:05,129 All right? 343 00:41:05,130 --> 00:41:06,130 Super. 344 00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:07,520 Don't be low. 345 00:41:13,620 --> 00:41:16,260 Oh, baby. 346 00:41:19,020 --> 00:41:20,180 You look wonderful. 347 00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:22,160 Are you ready, dear? 348 00:41:22,420 --> 00:41:23,420 I'm ready. 349 00:41:24,420 --> 00:41:25,420 Okay. 350 00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:28,640 Now get on your knees, you slivering little... 351 00:41:39,820 --> 00:41:41,280 you piece of shit. 352 00:41:42,380 --> 00:41:43,379 Thank you. 353 00:41:43,380 --> 00:41:44,380 Thank you. 354 00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:46,100 Hiya, you turd. 355 00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:51,960 Interesting, but let's move on. 356 00:41:53,620 --> 00:41:54,620 I don't know. 357 00:41:56,100 --> 00:41:57,240 Let's change the subject. 358 00:41:58,320 --> 00:41:59,320 What's that for? 359 00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:04,320 That's our cherry -flavored massage oil. It heats up when you breathe on it. 360 00:42:04,420 --> 00:42:05,620 It's one of our top sellers. 361 00:42:05,900 --> 00:42:06,879 Really? 362 00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:10,320 Absolutely. I practically have to pre -order stuff by the gallon because it 363 00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:11,138 so quick. 364 00:42:11,140 --> 00:42:13,860 Well, if it heats up, where would you put it? 365 00:42:14,340 --> 00:42:15,680 Uh, you put it on. 366 00:42:17,420 --> 00:42:18,420 Ah, hell. 367 00:42:19,620 --> 00:42:22,720 Instead of trying to explain it, why don't I just show you? 368 00:42:46,980 --> 00:42:51,200 This stuff has a tendency to stain, so these are going to have to come off too. 369 00:46:48,130 --> 00:46:49,130 Wilhelmina. 370 00:46:51,270 --> 00:46:52,270 Wilhelmina. 371 00:46:55,750 --> 00:47:02,650 I have a little bone to pick with you, 372 00:47:02,650 --> 00:47:03,650 my dear. 373 00:47:03,890 --> 00:47:10,570 What? Well, I send you out to kill Dracula, and you just end up 374 00:47:10,570 --> 00:47:13,010 lining up victims for her. Am I wrong? 375 00:47:13,750 --> 00:47:16,450 It's all a part of my cunning plan. 376 00:47:16,970 --> 00:47:20,060 Oh. Oh, cunning plan is it, huh? What cunning plan is this? 377 00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:26,560 Well, when Dracula gets all the virgins in her tomb, she'll be so distracted, 378 00:47:26,900 --> 00:47:28,860 I'll be able to destroy her. 379 00:47:29,900 --> 00:47:34,600 Ah, and with what item exactly do you plan to destroy her? 380 00:47:34,980 --> 00:47:39,200 Well, I first tried to stake her with my wooden pencil, but she broke it. So I'm 381 00:47:39,200 --> 00:47:41,560 thinking that maybe I'll try a wooden pen. 382 00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:46,900 Are you sure you're not switched at birth? 383 00:47:47,820 --> 00:47:49,920 Oh, yeah, I'm sure. 384 00:47:50,540 --> 00:47:54,440 See, I've been discovering a lot of new things about myself. 385 00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:55,920 Oh, such as? 386 00:47:56,780 --> 00:48:02,920 Well, when I was watching those women, I became very excited. 387 00:48:04,380 --> 00:48:05,560 Someplace special. 388 00:48:06,060 --> 00:48:11,640 Ah, so you are a true Van Helsing in the grand moth -diving tradition. 389 00:48:12,180 --> 00:48:13,180 What do you mean? 390 00:48:13,820 --> 00:48:17,260 Oh, well, you see, you're great -great -great -aunt Sophie. 391 00:48:17,720 --> 00:48:22,500 began the whole Van Helsing lesbian tradition by ravishing and sucking the 392 00:48:22,500 --> 00:48:24,620 off anything with a skirt within a thousand acres. 393 00:48:25,060 --> 00:48:28,820 In fact, I do believe to this day the only reason the woman married me was 394 00:48:28,820 --> 00:48:33,040 because of all the women under my employ, both at the manor and under my 395 00:48:33,040 --> 00:48:34,040 tutelage at the university. 396 00:48:34,480 --> 00:48:38,520 In fact, I'll never forget the day I stumbled on her with one of the maids. 397 00:48:39,340 --> 00:48:43,660 Horny devil had her bare backside sticking straight in the air whilst 398 00:48:43,660 --> 00:48:44,780 down on the young lady. 399 00:48:45,710 --> 00:48:47,670 I confronted her about it, naturally. 400 00:48:48,370 --> 00:48:53,570 She laughed in my face, said that I was a lousy lay and that she had to find her 401 00:48:53,570 --> 00:48:54,570 jollies elsewhere. 402 00:48:55,230 --> 00:48:59,570 By that time, she had already snookered every maid in the household and started 403 00:48:59,570 --> 00:49:02,350 to work her way through all the secretaries and students at the 404 00:49:02,930 --> 00:49:03,930 What was I to do? 405 00:49:04,690 --> 00:49:05,990 I'll tell you what I did do. 406 00:49:06,830 --> 00:49:12,330 I poured so much absinthe down that girl's throat, she never realized I had 407 00:49:12,330 --> 00:49:14,390 poked her like a prized dud. 408 00:49:18,210 --> 00:49:22,010 It's because of that blessed event, my dear, that the Van Helsing line has 409 00:49:22,010 --> 00:49:23,590 continued to this day. 410 00:49:25,910 --> 00:49:31,270 So, I come from a long line of lesbians? 411 00:49:33,330 --> 00:49:34,410 Hardcore lesbians at that. 412 00:49:34,910 --> 00:49:39,350 Oh, and if you're Van Helsing in that manner, then you share some other Van 413 00:49:39,350 --> 00:49:42,190 Helsing traits as well. Did she try to hypnotize you at all? 414 00:49:42,430 --> 00:49:43,430 Yes, she did. 415 00:49:43,710 --> 00:49:46,550 But you know what? I was never really hypnotized. 416 00:49:46,850 --> 00:49:48,930 I just wanted to see all the lesbians. 417 00:49:49,250 --> 00:49:50,270 Ah, yes. 418 00:49:50,930 --> 00:49:55,050 That's right. No man, woman, or vampire could ever successfully hypnotize a Van 419 00:49:55,050 --> 00:49:57,990 Helsing. So, she just thinks you're doing her bidding. 420 00:49:58,610 --> 00:49:59,610 Yep. 421 00:50:00,700 --> 00:50:04,140 Well, I underestimated you, kid. I've got to hand it to you. 422 00:50:04,520 --> 00:50:07,700 You know, I think I can help you with this cunning little plan of yours. 423 00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:10,040 Oh, what should I do? 424 00:50:10,380 --> 00:50:13,920 Well, first, what you have to do is get some chicken wire and a couple of boxes 425 00:50:13,920 --> 00:50:14,920 of... 426 00:50:36,940 --> 00:50:39,440 Oh, Bill Maher. How many girlfriends do you have? 427 00:50:40,240 --> 00:50:41,240 None, really. 428 00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:44,700 Unless you count my dog Spunky. 429 00:50:45,820 --> 00:50:47,160 Why do you call her Spunky? 430 00:50:47,440 --> 00:50:51,860 Well, she just did. You know, when you kind of hold her a certain way. 431 00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:54,520 You know what I'm talking about. 432 00:50:55,320 --> 00:50:58,340 Well, I see you two are getting along well. 433 00:50:58,560 --> 00:50:59,800 Will, where have you been? 434 00:51:00,540 --> 00:51:02,360 Why? Did you miss me? 435 00:51:03,120 --> 00:51:06,600 Well, yeah, actually, Mark and myself were here just talking. 436 00:51:06,840 --> 00:51:07,840 Yeah, sure. 437 00:51:08,060 --> 00:51:12,080 Hey, waiter boy, do you serve pizza in the dump? 438 00:51:12,720 --> 00:51:15,540 Uh, yeah, sure we do. 439 00:51:15,840 --> 00:51:17,660 Good. You got any hot? 440 00:51:17,900 --> 00:51:19,300 I need it in a hurry. 441 00:51:20,100 --> 00:51:22,300 Yeah, we got a whole pepperoni pie downstairs. 442 00:51:22,820 --> 00:51:26,720 Good. Why don't you throw some extra garlic on it and sell it to me, would 443 00:51:27,000 --> 00:51:28,000 To go. 444 00:51:28,580 --> 00:51:29,580 I'll be right back. 445 00:51:35,560 --> 00:51:37,280 It's not what's gotten into me. 446 00:51:37,720 --> 00:51:39,960 It's what I want to get into. 447 00:51:41,580 --> 00:51:42,580 Come again? 448 00:51:43,460 --> 00:51:47,740 Phil, since the last time I've seen you, I think I've found myself. 449 00:51:48,340 --> 00:51:51,160 I know what I want to do with the rest of my life. 450 00:51:52,080 --> 00:51:53,140 Which is what? 451 00:51:54,680 --> 00:51:56,340 Eat at the Y. 452 00:51:59,920 --> 00:52:00,920 Okay. 453 00:52:03,480 --> 00:52:04,680 So I guess I'll... 454 00:52:05,520 --> 00:52:06,520 around, Will. 455 00:52:11,740 --> 00:52:12,740 Here we go. 456 00:52:12,940 --> 00:52:14,480 How much do I owe you? 457 00:52:15,300 --> 00:52:16,300 It's on me. 458 00:52:17,240 --> 00:52:18,800 So is some spaghetti sauce. 459 00:52:20,620 --> 00:52:24,320 All right, well, here's your tip. 460 00:52:25,080 --> 00:52:27,440 And you better wear two condoms with that one. 461 00:52:27,860 --> 00:52:28,860 Thanks. 462 00:52:31,880 --> 00:52:32,879 Oh, and... 463 00:52:32,880 --> 00:52:35,600 and be careful with that, okay? There's an awful lot of garlic on it. 464 00:52:36,840 --> 00:52:37,840 Thanks, Martin. 465 00:52:38,140 --> 00:52:39,140 You're a good boy. 466 00:52:39,500 --> 00:52:41,120 You'll go far in food service. 467 00:53:33,680 --> 00:53:35,160 They can't miss it now. 468 00:54:02,670 --> 00:54:03,930 I did what you told me. 469 00:54:07,490 --> 00:54:08,050 Did you 470 00:54:08,050 --> 00:54:15,350 bring 471 00:54:15,350 --> 00:54:17,210 me these lesbians? 472 00:54:17,630 --> 00:54:18,609 Mm -hmm. 473 00:54:18,610 --> 00:54:19,610 I sure did. 474 00:54:19,830 --> 00:54:22,630 It wasn't easy, but I got all of them, just like you said. 475 00:54:25,070 --> 00:54:26,070 Excellent. 476 00:54:28,170 --> 00:54:29,170 Where are they? 477 00:54:30,210 --> 00:54:33,560 Well... I told them to be here by midnight, so they should be here any 478 00:54:34,400 --> 00:54:36,820 They'd better be here, or else you'll be dead. 479 00:54:37,880 --> 00:54:39,300 Don't get your nipples in a twist. 480 00:54:39,660 --> 00:54:40,660 They'll be here. 481 00:54:41,340 --> 00:54:42,340 But you know what? 482 00:54:43,480 --> 00:54:47,420 I think it would be a better idea if you weren't in the room when they arrived. 483 00:54:47,860 --> 00:54:49,460 You don't want to scare them and stuff. 484 00:54:51,280 --> 00:54:54,740 Why would that matter, silly mortal? 485 00:54:55,300 --> 00:54:56,700 They'll still be hypnotized. 486 00:54:58,080 --> 00:54:59,080 Well, actually... 487 00:54:59,530 --> 00:55:02,830 Only some of them are hypnotized. The others are just coming because their 488 00:55:02,830 --> 00:55:03,830 girlfriends asked them to. 489 00:55:08,990 --> 00:55:12,030 I told you to hypnotize all of them. 490 00:55:12,270 --> 00:55:14,670 Well, what's the difference? They're coming anyways, and they'll be here any 491 00:55:14,670 --> 00:55:19,830 minute. So look, I really think it's a better idea if you wait until they're 492 00:55:19,830 --> 00:55:22,090 occupied before you do your thing. 493 00:55:23,010 --> 00:55:24,010 All right. 494 00:55:24,490 --> 00:55:28,790 But if there aren't virgins here within the hour, you will pay Van Helsing. 495 00:55:28,960 --> 00:55:30,960 Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're gonna be here. Oh! 496 00:55:32,260 --> 00:55:33,480 I think I hear them now. 497 00:55:33,760 --> 00:55:35,320 Hide in the coffin, okay? 498 00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:36,960 I'm gonna go see who it is. 499 00:55:52,600 --> 00:55:53,600 Cripped. 500 00:55:54,900 --> 00:55:55,900 Midnight. 501 00:55:58,040 --> 00:55:59,490 It's a mess. with you tonight. 502 00:55:59,990 --> 00:56:01,550 You've been saying that all night. 503 00:56:01,930 --> 00:56:04,690 Although sex in the crypt sounds kind of kinky. 504 00:56:05,750 --> 00:56:07,850 I'm really glad you could all make it tonight. 505 00:56:09,210 --> 00:56:11,510 Hey, who the fuck are you? 506 00:56:11,830 --> 00:56:14,110 You're that loser from history class. 507 00:56:14,410 --> 00:56:16,830 Like the one who was the crush on Professor Dalton. 508 00:56:18,150 --> 00:56:20,110 Yeah, that's me. 509 00:56:20,690 --> 00:56:23,110 Well, why don't you go on in and make yourself comfortable? 510 00:56:29,480 --> 00:56:30,480 Where are the others? 511 00:56:30,780 --> 00:56:32,300 I hope they get here quick. 512 00:56:38,800 --> 00:56:40,780 Hello. Is this where the party's at? 513 00:56:41,140 --> 00:56:42,360 Yep, this is the place. 514 00:56:42,740 --> 00:56:46,180 I brought some stuff from my product line to liven things up a bit. Oh, 515 00:56:46,180 --> 00:56:47,180 just wonderful. 516 00:56:47,320 --> 00:56:51,100 Look, the others have arrived already. Why don't you go on in and introduce 517 00:56:51,100 --> 00:56:55,180 yourselves? My friend's a little loud of it. I hope she doesn't spoil the party. 518 00:56:55,540 --> 00:56:56,540 Oh. 519 00:56:56,970 --> 00:57:01,170 I'm sure whatever it is, it'll pass quickly, especially once the festivities 520 00:57:01,170 --> 00:57:03,010 started. I sure hope so. 521 00:57:03,250 --> 00:57:04,250 Come on, Cindy. 522 00:57:08,150 --> 00:57:09,150 Okay, 523 00:57:15,350 --> 00:57:16,710 they're all here. 524 00:57:17,850 --> 00:57:23,330 Uncle Abraham, let's hope that tonight I can fulfill... 525 00:57:48,720 --> 00:57:53,660 Now you will all stare deeply into the pendant. 526 00:57:59,100 --> 00:58:03,960 You will remove all your clothing. 527 00:58:17,740 --> 00:58:21,900 kiss one another, and engage in lesbian... 528 01:06:23,610 --> 01:06:24,870 It what? 529 01:06:26,070 --> 01:06:30,230 An aphrodisiac. It heightens sexual arou - 530 01:07:04,460 --> 01:07:10,480 to keep you up all night, or in your case, all day, with indigestion. 531 01:07:12,500 --> 01:07:13,920 Too bad you're choking. 532 01:07:14,380 --> 01:07:17,880 Didn't your father ever tell you to chew all your food thoroughly before 533 01:07:17,880 --> 01:07:18,880 swallowing it? 534 01:07:21,020 --> 01:07:24,220 Time to fulfill my destiny. 535 01:07:25,120 --> 01:07:26,120 Die! 536 01:07:48,270 --> 01:07:49,370 I don't remember coming here. 537 01:07:50,030 --> 01:07:51,990 I definitely remember coming. 538 01:07:55,650 --> 01:07:56,150 What 539 01:07:56,150 --> 01:08:06,550 the 540 01:08:06,550 --> 01:08:08,050 hell is going on here, Van Helping? 541 01:08:09,530 --> 01:08:13,030 Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to talk with your mouth full? 542 01:08:15,500 --> 01:08:18,080 Time to fulfill the other part of my destiny. 543 01:08:20,479 --> 01:08:21,960 Hello, destiny! 544 01:08:25,260 --> 01:08:30,100 Yes, yes, that's my girl. A true Van Helsing. 545 01:08:33,080 --> 01:08:34,080 You. 546 01:08:34,620 --> 01:08:36,840 I should have known you were behind that. 547 01:08:37,859 --> 01:08:38,859 Well, 548 01:08:39,359 --> 01:08:42,880 tough titty, isn't it, Dracul? 549 01:08:44,880 --> 01:08:47,939 Didn't think the girl had it in her, did you? 550 01:08:48,859 --> 01:08:49,859 Filthy man. 551 01:08:50,439 --> 01:08:52,600 I will have my revenge someday. 552 01:08:57,540 --> 01:08:58,540 That's rich. 553 01:09:02,800 --> 01:09:07,560 I see you still have that little problem, old man. 554 01:09:08,200 --> 01:09:11,939 I guess being dead hasn't alleviated the situation. 555 01:09:13,399 --> 01:09:14,399 Yes, well... 556 01:09:16,080 --> 01:09:20,979 Things I had at the time of death I took with me to the grave. But at least I 557 01:09:20,979 --> 01:09:25,840 can find some relief, which is more than I can say for you, Biat. 558 01:09:27,660 --> 01:09:28,840 What do you mean? 559 01:09:29,580 --> 01:09:35,200 At least I know how to scratch my little lids. You, on the other hand, will have 560 01:09:35,200 --> 01:09:38,540 to spend eternity being constantly horny. 561 01:09:48,590 --> 01:09:50,130 Looks like she got the point. 562 01:09:52,609 --> 01:09:56,770 Wilhelmina, do be careful with that thing, darling. It looks like it could 563 01:09:56,770 --> 01:09:58,410 dangerous. Hmm. 564 01:10:10,810 --> 01:10:15,910 Well, all of you gentlemen out there who are too busy zipping up your pants to 565 01:10:15,910 --> 01:10:17,750 have turned off the player just yet, 566 01:10:19,310 --> 01:10:22,650 I'm the little surprise at the end that you see while the credits are rolling. 567 01:10:22,870 --> 01:10:27,410 The director promised me a little soft shoe or production number or something, 568 01:10:27,490 --> 01:10:30,110 and he didn't come through, so now's my chance. 569 01:10:30,970 --> 01:10:34,190 I'd like to do a little number called Good Vibrations. 570 01:10:35,450 --> 01:10:36,450 Good Vibrations. 571 01:11:45,580 --> 01:11:46,760 I'm ready for my paycheck. 572 01:11:48,460 --> 01:11:49,060 It 573 01:11:49,060 --> 01:11:56,020 is now 574 01:11:56,020 --> 01:11:57,660 5 .30 in the morning.